10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide

9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"

8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers.

7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.

5. Keeps heckling your lame list

4. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.

3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it.

1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

9. Exercise videotape: "Anna Nicole Smith's Sweatin' With The Oldies"

8. Super-Duper Eye Gouger from Kenner

7. Anything monogrammed with the letters "CBS"

6. Pancake syrup from Ebola Farms

5. Turtleneck sweater made from Ed Asner's back hair

4. Gift tin of Unpopped-Kernels-Found-In-Orville-Redenbacher

3. The Late Show Book Of Lists (sorry, that's the least returned gift, selling for $16 at

2. O.J. Simpson cutlery set

1. Giant Cow-Ass Jeans from Jordache

Top Ten Things Madonna Is Looking For In A Husband

9. Must have experience operating cone bra

8. Despite song, shouldn't expect her to really be like a virgin

7. A steady nine-to-five job and must make at least $27,000 a year

6. Open-minded about sharing their bed with lots and lots of players

5. A foreigner, to expand her cultural horizons and teach her new swear words

4. Ability to vogue while pushing a lawnmower

3. First name: Andy -- Last name: Rooney

2. "Million Man March?" Any one of those guys would be just fine

1. One word: gap-tooth

Top Ten Rejected James Bond Gadgets

9. Super-itchy pants

8. Stapler with hidden scotch-tape dispenser

7. Self-cleaning Isotoner gloves

6. Special implants that turn 007 into a 009, if you know what I mean

5. Laser-action Flowbee

4. More-realistic-than-usual rubber vomit

3. Pepper grinder that dispenses a little too much pepper

2. Real killer-detecting nine iron

1. The Quiz Machine

0. Really, Really, Really, Really Old Milwaukee

9. D-Train Scotch

8. Amaretto Di Gotti

7. Orville Redenbacher's Butter-flavored Vodka

6. McBourbon

5. Dinty Moore's Pork 'n' Booze

4. Ernest, Julio, Tom and Roseanne Gallo

3. Dr. Scholl's Medicated Tequila

2. Seagrams 7, Mets 0

1. Chivas Regis

9. The Keebler Elves? Yeah, making cookies...there's a tough gig

8. Hey Santa, it's Anna Nicole Smith on the phone for you

7. You know Rudolph's 'naturally red nose'? Collagen injection

6. Uh-oh--looks like Fat Boy drank his lunch again

5. Shut down the assembly line for the 'Central Park West' action figures

4. Which gifts should we plant at O.J.'s house?

3. Whew! Mia Farrow sure has a lot of kids!

2. Someday I'm gonna make it outta here, just like Ross Perot did

1. It may be jiggling like a bowl of jelly, but it ain't his tummy

9. If the speed limit hits 95, Anna Nicole Smith will try to marry it

8. People can rush home to not watch CBS

7. Will speed O.J.'s search for the real killers

6. Divine Brown able to squeeze in 6 more customers a day

5. Increased airflow rapidly cools scalding McDonald's coffee on your lap

4. New York cabbies will get lost even faster

3. Cops forced to spend their time chasing real criminals instead of law abiding talk show hosts

2. Sound of wind passing through the grill is just like having free Yoko Ono CD

1. High speed funeral processions

Top Ten Trick-or-Treater Pet Peeves

9. Black jelly beans that turn out to be blood-swollen horse ticks

8. The candy bar doesn't taste quite right - then you notice it's a TWO Musketeers

7. When Bill Clinton rifles through your bag muttering about a "candy tax"

6. You stop at Mia Farrow's house, next thing you know you're adopted

5. When Ed Asner answers the door without his shirt on

4. With all these people in disguises, it makes it even harder to find the real killers! (O.J. only)

3. Going to Divine Brown's house and getting a treat, but no trick

2. Getting knocked flat by a pumpkin launched from 230 feet away

1. People who want receipts